JewMitch

Just a Jew. Named Mitch. Writing about his feelings.

The JewMitch Diet

Posted by JewMitch on June 27, 2012

A lot of people ask me, “How do you stay so fit and trim; while never exercising, eating what you want and drinking heavily 5-6 times a week?”  I usually smile coyly and compliment their shirt, but in reality – I actually have terrible body issues and a bad metabolism and I worry about being fat all the time.  Thankfully, I have perfected a lifestyle/diet that works for me.  And in the interest of sharing information and having less fat people in the world, I’ve decided to post a few tips here.  As a disclaimer, this diet is almost certainly likely to lead to an early death, massive health problems later on, and liver disease.  But it’s not about feeling good, it’s about looking good.

Exercise:

Exercising is terrible.  I used to go to the gym a lot and I pretended that I liked it, but I really hated it.  Do you know how some days you plan on going to the gym, but the gym is closed or your car won’t start or something, and you can’t make it — and a huge feeling of relief and happiness washes over your body?  Yup, you hate going to the gym too.  But here’s the thing; study after study have shown that it’s better to spend several hours a day doing light exercise (standing/walking) than a short amount of time doing intense exercise – and that the reason we’re all fat is because we sit around too much and 30 minutes on an elliptical doesn’t reverse that.

That’s why I recommend the following workout:

–    Go to bars all the time.  Stand when you’re in bars.  Drinking is allowed.

–    When you travel to bars, walk to them.

–    Walk to other places too.

I’m not joking.  If you go out as much as I do, this can equal 4-6 hours standing per day (think 6pm-midnight) and 1-2 hours walking time per day.  I know it seems like a lot, but you can do it.  Just believe in yourself.  And make friends with more bartenders.

Diet:

But Mitch, won’t I get fat if I drink tons of alcohol?  Doesn’t alcohol have tons of calories?  That’s what Weight Watchers told me.

Lies!  Well, not really — but there are high calorie drinks and low calorie drinks.  Here are some of my go-to drinks:

–    Rum and Diet.  This is a great drink because it’s cheap, usually on special, and tastes fine even with rail rum.

–    Captain and Diet.  For fancier occasions.  Or when you think you’re about to throw up and want something that tastes good.

–    Vodka and Diet.  Also known as a “skinny bitch”.  This is fun to order.

–    Chocolate vodka and Diet.  This is a girl’s drink, but it tastes better than a regular vodka and diet.

–    Scotch on the Rocks.  Scotch is delicious!

–    Johnny Walker Black on the Rocks.  This is a little bit pricier, but Johnny Walker Black is the best scotch for your money and no bartender in America will fuck up this drink.

–    Gin and Soda with a splash of tonic and a lime.  Note: you can also use vodka. Here’s the thing – gin and tonic tastes great, but tonic water has as many calories as soda and most bars don’t carry diet tonic water. Gin and soda is low cal, but tastes horrible.  So if you add a splash of tonic, it’ll greatly improve the taste and keep the calories fairly low.

–    High alcohol content beers.  All beers have a decent amount of calories, so you’re much better off having one really good beer that’s 9% alcohol, than 3 bud lights.  The lighter the beer, the less alcohol.

Food:

Eat whatever you want, but drink heavily before and after meals.  This will allow for more time standing, and when you’re hungover the next day, you’ll eat less.  Better yet, skip dinner and just have a chicken finger or two while you stand up in a bar.

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