Embarrassing Stories about Me Peeing on Things
Posted by JewMitch on April 11, 2011
I have two really embarassing stories about me peeing on things from when I was in elementary school, and since this blog primarily exists for me to tell embarrassing stories about myself, here we go…
Story 1: When I was little and my family would go on car trips, I would always have to pee like a million times (Note: this is still an issue for me; I’m not allowed to have any caffeine on a long road trip — and usually wind up just dehydrating myself intentionally so we don’t have to take a bunch of rest stops). So naturally, my parents got in the habit of just pulling the car over to the side of the road and letting me pee really quick – and then we’d continue on.
So when I started at a new school in third grade, and the bathroom happened to be on the complete other side of the school than my classroom, I just thought that it made a lot of sense for me to pee in the bushes right outside the classroom, rather than walk ALL the way over to the other side of the school, just to pee. This system worked extremely well for about three months, until of course – a teacher saw me peeing outside the window of her classroom and completely freaked the fuck out.
The funniest part of this story is that they thought I was intentionally defacing school property or something, when really, I just had to pee and this seemed like the most convenient place to do that. However, to their credit – the part of the bush I always peed on had turned black and was basically dead by the time they caught me.
Story 2: Now, you would have thought that I’d have learned my lesson about peeing from that first story, but I didn’t. Later that year, my class did a science experiment that had something to do with learning about rocks and erosion. The idea behind the experiment was that river rocks get really smooth because water is always running over them, so let’s try to recreate that by filling a seltzer bottle with a few jagged rocks and water, and then each member of the class would take the bottle home and add whatever ingredient they thought would help the erosion process, and then spend several hours turning the bottle upside down and then back upright, to mimic the current of a river.
Most people added something acidic or chemical to their bottles. Some examples I can remember involve lemon juice, bleach, detergent, soap, etc. Can you guess what special ingredient I added? If you guessed, “my own urine,” you’re correct!
Let’s just say that my classmates were not too thrilled when they found out that I peed on the rocks that they had to later take home and shake for hours; the same rocks that we had collectively been shaking for months. To my credit, pee still seems like it would be an excellent choice — it’s acidic (maybe?), it exists in nature (definitely), and animals pee in rivers (do they?) — so maybe it does have something to do with river rocks getting smoother?
The best part was that afterwards, the students told my teacher, my teacher called my parents, and then my parents had to sit me down and explain why this had been a poor choice on my part. To their credit — they explained to me that from a scientific experimental perspective, my pee was a poor choice – because its chemical composition depended on what I ate and drank that day – so there would be no way to recreate the experiment.
Of course, my elementary school fed straight into my high school, so this story followed me all the way through 12th grade. I think it may have even come up at my 10 year high school reunion. If you know anyone from my class, feel free to ask them about this — they’ll remember.