JewMitch

Just a Jew. Named Mitch. Writing about his feelings.

Archive for April, 2011

The Time I Peed off a Boat

Posted by JewMitch on April 18, 2011

A few years ago, the girl that I was dating invited me to visit her best friend in Key West, FL for Fantasy Fest, which is their annual Halloween celebration. Fantasy Fest is kind of like Mardis Gras, but it’s on Key West – so it’s gayer, and there are more naked people and the weather is better.

I was psyched up, as it was our first vacation that we were taking “as a couple,” and I love Key West (it’s really one of my favorite places in America). Which is why I was extremely surprised when we sat down on the plane, and the first thing my girlfriend said to me was “I don’t think I’m physically attracted to you anymore.”

“What?!”

“Well, it’s no big deal, but I just haven’t been feeling attracted to you for the last couple of weeks. Haven’t you noticed?”

“No, I hadn’t noticed?!”

“Oh, well now you know.” And with that, she put on her headphones, and we began the best couple vacation ever.

We made it to Key West without further incident, and it looked like the rest of trip might still be fun, regardless of what issues we had brewing as a couple. The weather in Key West was beautiful, and we were staying in this enormous mansion in the middle of town, that her freind’s boyfriend’s family owned. It was one of those houses with a different room for everything, like one room had nothing but leather furniture and mounted animal heads in it.

We had the room in the attic and while we had sex the first night there, it was definitely the “I’m just going to get really drunk and then have sex with you quickly so we don’t fight” type of sex rather than the “I love you and we’ll work it out” kind of sex I was hoping for. But oh well, we were still on vacation.

The next day, we all took one of the family’s boats out to this other island near Key West, where all the locals went to day drink. It was straight out of an episode of Jersey Shore (in Miami), but still a lot of fun. After a few hours of drinking, we got ready to leave. In retrospect, I probably should went into the forest to take a leak, but I figured oh well – we’re on a boat, and we’re only 20 minutes from home, I’ll be fine.

Of course, after about 10 minutes, we run into someone’s cousin, who is stranded in the middle of the bay with a dead boat engine, and needs a tow back to shore. This required finding the rope, tying a bunch of complicated knots and all sorts of other boat stuff. Around this time, I learned that the bathroom on the boat was broken.

So, as been discussed before, I have a tremendously small bladder, especially when I’ve been drinking. And my girlfriend is already on the verge of breaking up with me, since I constantly “embarrass” her, and now I really have to pee. I mentioned something to her about it, and she shot me one of those “I’ll murder you in your sleep” looks (she’s good at those) and said “tough, hold it.”

So I held it, and held it, as we fucked up the various knots, had to retie them, had to bring the boat to some other neighborhood, had to untie all the knots, etc. And this was about when I decided “fuck it;” my kidney was about to explode and I remember distinctly thinking — “well if this is what kills this reltationship, then oh well,” as I peed off the side of the boat (in the waterfront community that we were docked in, where the cousins supposedly lived).

The other people on the boat laughed it off, but let’s just say my girlfriend was not happy.

Later that night, we all went to the boyfriend’s father’s law firm, to watch the Fantasy Fest parade, because the office had a great porch that overlooked the main street in town. We brought coolers and coolers of booze, and there were about 20 of us up there.

Of course, while the father was giving me a tour of his office, my drink slipped out of my hand and onto his files. I tried to clean them up, and I think the files were okay, but they all definitely now smell like vodka. It was one of my finer moments.

After that, we all went outside to watch the parade. Now, I don’t usually like parades – but Fantasy Fest is something different. Let’s just say it’s a very “adult” parade, and there’s lots of people in nothing but body paint, and the floats are amazing; tons of flames and special effects (do a google image search of “fantasy fest” when you’re not at work).

But I can’t tell you anything else about the parade, because around this time, my girlfriend grabs my arm, and says, “I can’t believe you peed off the boat today!” Then, she proceeds to drag me into the office kitchen, where we have the big relationship fight that has been brewing since we got on the plane. Let me repeat this; she decides that during the Fantasy Fest parade in Key West (during Fantasy Fest!), in her friends’ boyfriend’s father’s law office (while the parade is going on!) is the perfect time to have a Big Relationship Fight.

Now, I know not every relationship works out, and I’m obviously not the perfect boyfriend that every girl dreams about and I know that I probably shouldn’t have peed off the side of that boat, but SERIOUSLY?! You want start a fight right before a vacation to Key West and then finish it during the most fucking awesome parade ever? Why?!? Why not fake your period or something through the vacation and dump me afterwards (it was only a 4 day trip). Or why not at least wait until after the parade?! Why do this DURING the parade?! We were leaving the next day! Fight with me on the plane even? It was a long flight, and my book was shitty. But oh well. Good fucking riddance.

Follow up Note:  We officially broke up about six weeks after the trip.

Follow up Note #2:  I’m not bitter.

Follow up Note #3:  This is the same girl from this post.

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Embarrassing Stories about Me Peeing on Things

Posted by JewMitch on April 11, 2011

I have two really embarassing stories about me peeing on things from when I was in elementary school, and since this blog primarily exists for me to tell embarrassing stories about myself, here we go…

Story 1:  When I was little and my family would go on car trips, I would always have to pee like a million times  (Note: this is still an issue for me; I’m not allowed to have any caffeine on a long road trip — and usually wind up just dehydrating myself intentionally so we don’t have to take a bunch of rest stops).  So naturally, my parents got in the habit of just pulling the car over to the side of the road and letting me pee really quick – and then we’d continue on.

So when I started at a new school in third grade, and the bathroom happened to be on the complete other side of the school than my classroom, I just thought that it made a lot of sense for me to pee in the bushes right outside the classroom, rather than walk ALL the way over to the other side of the school, just to pee.  This system worked extremely well for about three months, until of course – a teacher saw me peeing outside the window of her classroom and completely freaked the fuck out.

The funniest part of this story is that they thought I was intentionally defacing school property or something, when really, I just had to pee and this seemed like the most convenient place to do that.  However, to their credit – the part of the bush I always peed on had turned black and was basically dead by the time they caught me.

Story 2:  Now, you would have thought that I’d have learned my lesson about peeing from that first story, but I didn’t.  Later that year, my class did a science experiment that had something to do with learning about rocks and erosion.  The idea behind the experiment was that river rocks get really smooth because water is always running over them, so let’s try to recreate that by filling a seltzer bottle with a few jagged rocks and water, and then each member of the class would take the bottle home and add whatever ingredient they thought would help the erosion process, and then spend several hours turning the bottle upside down and then back upright, to mimic the current of a river.

Most people added something acidic or chemical to their bottles.  Some examples I can remember involve lemon juice, bleach, detergent, soap, etc.  Can you guess what special ingredient I added?  If you guessed, “my own urine,” you’re correct!

Let’s just say that my classmates were not too thrilled when they found out that I peed on the rocks that they had to later take home and shake for hours; the same rocks that we had collectively been shaking for months.  To my credit, pee still seems like it would be an excellent choice — it’s acidic (maybe?), it exists in nature (definitely), and animals pee in rivers (do they?) — so maybe it does have something to do with river rocks getting smoother?

The best part was that afterwards, the students told my teacher, my teacher called my parents, and then my parents had to sit me down and explain why this had been a poor choice on my part.  To their credit — they explained to me that from a scientific experimental perspective, my pee was a poor choice – because its chemical composition depended on what I ate and drank that day – so there would be no way to recreate the experiment.

Of course, my elementary school fed straight into my high school, so this story followed me all the way through 12th grade.  I think it may have even come up at my 10 year high school reunion.  If you know anyone from my class, feel free to ask them about this — they’ll remember.

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