JewMitch

Just a Jew. Named Mitch. Writing about his feelings.

Helen Keller Shots

Posted by JewMitch on March 3, 2011

I can’t believe I haven’t written about this before, but it seems that I’ve never done a post on Helen Keller shots.  “What are Helen Keller shots?” you ask.  Don’t worry, I’ll explain right now.

A Helen Keller shot is when you ask the bartender to close their eyes, spin around three times, then randomly grab three bottles from behind the bar, mix them in a shaker over ice, then serve.  The shot is different every time and ranges from “that’s not bad” to “oh my god, I just threw up in my mouth.” It’s really a drink designed for nights when you’re just looking to hurt yourself.  And get really messed up.

I know what you’re thinking right now (“What a great way to learn about American history!”), but wait, it gets much worse, because I haven’t described how you order them yet.  In order to honor the memory of Helen Keller and all that she was able to accomplish for the deaf community, you can also order the shots using sign language.  The proper way to do this is to just sort of mash one hand into the other a few times, with a few fingers extended, and say “Wahwwwhaawhaaa” to commemorate the time that Helen Keller first learned how to say “water.”

My friend Mike originally told me about the shot about two years ago, and what started out as a ridiculous joke quickly became the only shot I ever order in bars anymore.  Because why order a normal shot like Patrón, when you can order something waaaaay more exciting and offensive.

I think the real joy of doing Helen Keller shots (aside from making fun of disabled people) is that as soon as you start drinking them, the night becomes wide open.  You might be passed out in two hours, but it guarantees that you’re not going to have a “I just had two beers and then watched a 30 Rock rerun” type of night.

It’s also really fun to bring dates to bars where they know how to make a Helen Keller shot (as of now, the Snug, Brooklyneer and Dylan Murphy’s), tell her it’s an amazing shot, casually order two of them, then watch her mouth open in horror while the bartender closes their eyes and starts grabbing random bottles.

If you decide to order Helen Keller shots (which I highly recommend), the best part is that after you teach a bartender how to make one, you can then write a Yelp or FourSquare tip encouraging others to “order the delicious Helen Keller shots!”  I don’t know if I’ve ever been happier than the moment my local bartender told me that thanks to this, people come in off the street and order them fairly regularly.  And if anyone wants to source this blog in a Wikipedia article about Helen Keller – that would just be amazing.

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3 Responses to “Helen Keller Shots”

  1. Jake said

    Hilarious blog JewMitch. Came across it via the pedialyte entry. Glad I found it.

  2. Carly said

    Mitch, randomly came across your blog, you are freaking hysterical!

  3. Posky said

    I’m joining this cult.

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