Just a Jew. Named Mitch. Writing about his feelings.

Archive for March, 2011

The Time I Didn’t Make Out With a Pretty Girl in High School

Posted by JewMitch on March 31, 2011

So I don’t think it will come to a shock to anyone that I wasn’t particular good with girls in middle school or high school. In fact, it wasn’t until 8th grade or so, that I figured out the difference between being really awkward/weird in the way that makes people not want to hang out with you, and being awkward/weird in the way that people think is funny.

But gradually after I realized this (and realized that it was cooler to wear jeans to school instead of sweatpants), I started making more friends and getting invited to parties.  I definitely wasn’t “popular” and I wasn’t getting any handjobs behind the bleachers or anything, but when I called girls on the phone, they would talk to me because I was really good at being that mean version of funny that high school girls love.

Anyway, there was one girl in my class, let’s call her Debbie, who had always been considered one of the hottest girls in my class, so naturally, I had a crush on for a few years.  We were never close friends, and there was no reason for me to ever think I’d have a chance with her, but you know – it was high school, and pining away for a girl was much easier than having a girlfriend.

Luckily, as my stock in the class was going up, her’s was going down.  It started with one unfortunate haircut she got and her getting a reputation for being fairly easy (neither of these things bothered me), and one day, I found myself on a weekend school retreat with her, where she was actually flirting with me.  I don’t think she was flirting with because I was so awesome, as much as that she was a super nice girl and I think that she thought a really nice thing to do would be to hook up with me that weekend.

I didn’t know much about flirting back then (let’s be honest, I still don’t), but something was definitely going on because she was talking to me and touching my arm and stuff.  Then, one time when we were all standing around and it was a little chilly out, she came up behind me and gave me one of those from-behind-the-back-hug things.

Let me preface what happened next with the fact that this was my first behind-the-back-hugs-thing, as I had never had a girlfriend before and still thought Garfield the Cat was cool.

So there’s this girl, who I’ve had a crush on for years, giving me a hug — and really all I had to do was put my arms around hers and things would be in motion.  But that’s not what I did.  Instead, I PUT MY HANDS IN MY POCKETS.  Yes, I had so little experience with girls, that I did not know how to receive a hug.  So I just did the most natural thing I could think of and put my hands in my pockets.

But the story gets worse.  Some point later in the weekend, she came up to me and asked me if I had any allergy medicine in my cabin (the retreat was at a summer camp, and we were all staying in cabins).  This doesn’t sound sexy, but she could have easily gone to the nurse on duty or many other people — and there was definitely something about the way she said it that implied — “let’s go makeout;” especially since my cabin was all the way on the other side of camp, girls weren’t supposed to be in boy’s cabins, she didn’t seems like she was suffering from allergies, she knew my cabin was empty, and all my friends were giving me winks and saying things like “Have fun giving her allergy medicine!”

So we go back to my cabin, and I have my high school crush alone for the first time, in what was a perfect makeout situation.  We’re alone, she’s been flirting with me all weekend (despite my inability to reciprocate), and we’re in a cabin in the woods.

So I give her the allergy medicine, and then she says “thank you” and just stands there for at least 30 seconds, giving me that “are you going to make a move already?” type of look.  So of course, I PUT MY HANDS IN MY POCKETS AGAIN, and just stood there until she left.

After, that weekend, I took her on exactly on 1 date, where we went to a movie, and I put my arm around her (progress!) until, halfway through, she said it was hurting her neck and asked if I could take it away.

We never made out.


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Dr. Suzy’s Porn and Purim DVD Bacchanal – A JewMitch Review

Posted by JewMitch on March 20, 2011

In honor of Purim, I’m reposting this classic JewMitch review which I wrote for Heeb Magazine two years ago.   Not surprisingly, this was the most popular thing that I ever wrote for them.

Dr. Suzy’s Porn & Purim—DVD Bacchanal opens with a shot of the title character, Dr. Suzy, standing in the backroom of a nightclub, decked out in what looks like a pirate hat and a sparkling, blue bikini.  In one hand, she holds a live snake, in the other she clutches a long rubber dildo.

As I popped the disc into my DVD player, I expected a brief tip of the yarmulke to Esther and Vashti and then a whole lot of gelt shots.  But that’s not what happens.  As it turns out, Dr. Suzy’s Porn & Purim is a little bit of porn, and a whole lotta Purim.  Can the Jewish universe not even figure out the formula for making a porno?

For the first hour and a half, Dr. Suzy tells the story of Purim.  Let me repeat that; she narrates the entire story of Purim.  For an hour and a half.  Only Dr. Suzy is not reading from an actual Megillah or even a script, she’s just rambling.  There’s some nudity in the background while this is transpiring, but not one decent sex scene.

If I haven’t yet sold you on this amazing cinematic experience, allow me to explicate further.  Dr. Suzy is the only actor with a real speaking part, which mostly amounts to telling people what to do and where to go while bad techno music plays in the background.  (It’s like a horrible acid trip in Tel Aviv!)  The only other speaking part belongs to Haman, courageously played by an African-American actor, who shouts “Hey-Man!” every time Dr. Suzy refers to him. Watching this porn was like sitting in shul for hours on end, waiting impatiently for Haman to die so that you can go home and eat some triangle-shaped cookies.

To make matters worse, Dr. Suzy hands the role of Vashti to the far more attractive actress and gives the role of Esther to the heavily tattooed uggo.  Dr. Suzy does let Vashti strip a little, but then we are forced to spend the rest of the evening with Esther, who I suspect has a learning disability or two.  The only direction she seems capable of taking is when Dr. Suzy tells her to kneel down and touch the King’s golden scepter.  Spoiler alert: The golden scepter is King Ahasuerus’ dick! (It should be noted, that the actor who played King Ahasuerus did an excellent job getting excited every time a woman took her clothes off in front of him, which I imagine is exactly how the real King Ahasuerus acted).

All in all, I give this porno one out of five yellow stars, which makes it pretty much the worst Purim porno I’ve ever seen.

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Helen Keller Shots

Posted by JewMitch on March 3, 2011

I can’t believe I haven’t written about this before, but it seems that I’ve never done a post on Helen Keller shots.  “What are Helen Keller shots?” you ask.  Don’t worry, I’ll explain right now.

A Helen Keller shot is when you ask the bartender to close their eyes, spin around three times, then randomly grab three bottles from behind the bar, mix them in a shaker over ice, then serve.  The shot is different every time and ranges from “that’s not bad” to “oh my god, I just threw up in my mouth.” It’s really a drink designed for nights when you’re just looking to hurt yourself.  And get really messed up.

I know what you’re thinking right now (“What a great way to learn about American history!”), but wait, it gets much worse, because I haven’t described how you order them yet.  In order to honor the memory of Helen Keller and all that she was able to accomplish for the deaf community, you can also order the shots using sign language.  The proper way to do this is to just sort of mash one hand into the other a few times, with a few fingers extended, and say “Wahwwwhaawhaaa” to commemorate the time that Helen Keller first learned how to say “water.”

My friend Mike originally told me about the shot about two years ago, and what started out as a ridiculous joke quickly became the only shot I ever order in bars anymore.  Because why order a normal shot like Patrón, when you can order something waaaaay more exciting and offensive.

I think the real joy of doing Helen Keller shots (aside from making fun of disabled people) is that as soon as you start drinking them, the night becomes wide open.  You might be passed out in two hours, but it guarantees that you’re not going to have a “I just had two beers and then watched a 30 Rock rerun” type of night.

It’s also really fun to bring dates to bars where they know how to make a Helen Keller shot (as of now, the Snug, Brooklyneer and Dylan Murphy’s), tell her it’s an amazing shot, casually order two of them, then watch her mouth open in horror while the bartender closes their eyes and starts grabbing random bottles.

If you decide to order Helen Keller shots (which I highly recommend), the best part is that after you teach a bartender how to make one, you can then write a Yelp or FourSquare tip encouraging others to “order the delicious Helen Keller shots!”  I don’t know if I’ve ever been happier than the moment my local bartender told me that thanks to this, people come in off the street and order them fairly regularly.  And if anyone wants to source this blog in a Wikipedia article about Helen Keller – that would just be amazing.

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