Just a Jew. Named Mitch. Writing about his feelings.

Dan Savage and a Song I Wrote

Posted by JewMitch on February 10, 2011

A while back, I found myself in Seattle on Valentine’s Day with just my dad.  Normally, I love Valentines Day when I’m single, because it’s an amazing going-out night – packs of girls raid the bar, order $4 Manhattans like they’re going out of style, and try to convince themselves that it’s okay to be almost 30 and still single.  But since it would be weird to bring a girl back to a hotel room that I was sharing with my father, I suggested that we just go out for a decent dinner and see where the night took us.

Afraid to go anywhere too nice since it would be overrun with Valentine’s Day couples, we went to the least romantic restaurant we could find – Outback Steakhouse, which surprisingly (or maybe not surprisingly – this is America), still had a fair share of couples.

After dinner, we got in a cab and asked what area of the city would be good to go out in.  Keep in mind – this was a middle aged Jewish man and his son – so of course, he took us to Capital Hill, which is the gay area of Seattle.  We figured this out fairly quickly, when we accidentally wandered into a lesbian karaoke bar.  “Those lesbians were very friendly,” my dad commented as we left.

We then wondered around the neighborhood and noticed that this huge venue was having an Anti-Valentine’s Day party.  There were drink specials and it looked like a straight crowd, so we went in.  As they were checking ID, the girl asked me if I wanted to sign up to destroy something.

She then explained that Dan Savage (of the column, Savage Love) was on stage hosting, and if I had brought something from a past relationship – I could sign up to get up on stage with Dan, and he’d help me destroy it.  Even though I hadn’t brought anything, I immediately signed up.

Once we got to the main stage area – we realized this was a much bigger event than we had thought.  Dan Savage was on stage with a wide variety of tools of destruction, such as a flame thrower, ninja sword, sledgehammer, etc, and there were at least a 1,000 people there. Thinking quickly – I grabbed some napkins from a bar, and scribbled down the lyrics to a song that I once written for an ex-girlfriend.

Before I knew it, I was on stage with Dan and I explained that I had brought some song lyrics that I’d like to destroy, but first I’d like to read them to the audience, if that was okay.  He said, “of course,” and handed the mike over to me.  It’s better if I actually sing the song, but imagine it with a kind of childish, sing-song melody.  Also, keep in mind that my father was in the audience.

Jamie is a girl that I know /
She’s got girl parts from head to toe.
But the girl parts that I like best /
Is her vagina and her breasts /
Is her vagina and her breasts.

Mitch is a boy that I know /
He’s got boy parts from head to toe.
But the boy parts that I like best /
Is his penis and his chest /
Is his penis and his chest.

Mitch and Jamie go together /
Like birds of a feather /
Or whips and leather.
But Jamie needs to wear a scarlet letter /
Because they had sex before they were married /
They’re not married /
They’re not married.

Do you believe in love?
Do you believe in love?
I believe in love.
That’s why I think we should take the boy parts /
And put them inside the girl parts.
It’ll make a mess /
But I think it’s best /
Because I believe in love /
I believe in love.

The crowd loved it and afterwards, Dan Savage and I burned the lyrics.  As I got off the stage, I asked my dad how he thought it went, and he said that Dan Savage seemed to really like the part about whips and leather.  Then he asked if we could go home, because he was really tired.  It had been a very special Valentine’s Day.


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