Just a Jew. Named Mitch. Writing about his feelings.

Boyfriend of the Year

Posted by JewMitch on April 4, 2010

People are often surprised when I tell them that I’m a really good boyfriend, and am pretty sure that the only times I’ve been dumped in my life was because I was too nice to the girl I was dating. “But Mitch, you’re a complete asshole?” people say. “Yes, yes… but my favorite movie is still the Princess Bride, and for all my faults I still have an unshakable belief in such a thing as true love and being best friends with your girlfriend and all that Harry Met Sally/You’ve Got Mail crap.

“Alright, Mitch, tell us something really nice that you’ve done for a past girlfriend.” I can do that. In fact, I’ll make a whole list. Starting with the nicest thing that you can possibly do for a girlfriend…

1.  Make them a t-shirt with your face on it in a heart (photo above). As you can see, I also inscribed “My Boyfriend” under the photo, so that it was super clear, and made her wear the shirt to her law school Constitutional Law final exam. To be fair though, I wore a shirt that read “I heart KW” (my girlfriend’s initials) to the same exam. True, I had purchased the t-shirt in Key West, but the thought was there.

2.  Purchase an original Nintendo entertainment system for a girlfriend as an anniversary present. In retrospect, this was probably not the most romantic present ever, but she did love playing Mario Brothers, and I needed something to do at her apartment that didn’t involve talking to her.

3.  Take your vegetarian girlfriend out to BBQ restaurants on a regular basis. I would let her order baked beans, corned bread, whatever she wanted.

4.  Take a girlfriend on a romantic trip to Big Sur, and invite your best friend to come along too, because that sounds like too much alone time with her. This trip actually was incredibly fun, until my buddy left and it was just me and my girlfriend, and then we just fought a lot as we drove up Route 101. I did get to go to the house that the Goonies was filmed in though – and that was awesome. Oh wait, that was another trip – the rest of this trip just sucked.

5.  If your girlfriend is wearing a cat costume on Halloween, ask her to drink milk out of a bowl on the floor at a party, and then let her leave the costume on during sex later. Oops, I already blogged about this:

6.  If the girl you’re dating is not Jewish, and you are, give her a t-shirt that says “Shiksa.” I actually did this on a second date with a girl. She was all about it.

7.  Related to No. 6, if the girl you are dating is not Jewish, invite her to go to Synagogue with you and your grandmother. My grandmother called me one day to tell me a “joke.” The joke went like this, “There was once a boy who never went to synagogue. One day his grandmother asked him if he would attend synagogue for her funeral, and he said of course. The grandmother then said, skip synagogue on my funeral, I’d rather you take me there once while I’m still alive!” Of course, I then had to go to synagogue with her.

8.  After going on to dinner on Valentine’s Day, come back to your apartment with her and immediately put on the second half of Beneath the Planet of the Apes. She just started crying, and it took me a day to figure out what I had done wrong. The worst part is that it was a Netflix movie, so it wasn’t like it was due anytime soon.

9.  If you’re on a boat with all of your girlfriend’s friends, pee off the side of the boat. The funny thing about this list, is that this is the only incident that may have directly contributed to a breakup, and I really don’t think it’s all that bad. I really had to go.

10. Tell your girlfriend (who you were friends with first) that when you first met her, you didn’t think she was very attractive, but then after you became really close, you eventually became more attracted to her. If you ask me, this is just a really sweet thing to say.


2 Responses to “Boyfriend of the Year”

  1. Just_Erin said

    See, I think you are nice to your girlfriends. At least comparatively to how you treat everyone else.

  2. BerrrrrsteinShiksa said

    I have a TShirt that says I ❤ Shiksas. Im wearing it next time I see you.

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