Just a Jew. Named Mitch. Writing about his feelings.

Archive for April, 2010

Kike Baby

Posted by JewMitch on April 25, 2010

Unbelievably to many (and myself), I used to work in a law firm, where I read contracts, and generally lived a super boring life. Also amazingly, I was the only Jewish person at my law firm. (Note: this drove my mother crazy. “How did you manage to find the only law firm with no other Jewish people?!”). This was great for me though, as I get uncomfortable if I’m around too many Jewish people (I did not really enjoy my visit to Israel), and this gave me a carte blanche to make jokes about other Jewish people/eat a big lunch on Yom Kippur/make up fake Jewish holidays, etc.

The firm was generally pretty WASPy, but there also one Asian attorney, who I was good friends with. Together we used to regularly trade Asian insults for Jewish insults. “I’m putting you last in the batting order of the softball team because Jews can’t hit” for “Do Asian people eat fortune cookies after every meal? Because sometimes I notice you don’t eat one after lunch. How do you know your daily fortune and your lucky numbers?”

We we’re pretty brutal to each other, and one day the senior partner of the law firm took me aside for a serious chat. “Mitch, I know there’s a lot of joking around that goes on between you and some of the other people here, but I do understand that you’re the only Jewish person here, and I want to make sure that you’re comfortable with everything.”

I replied that of course I was, and that I wouldn’t give it out if I couldn’t take it, and that it was all in good fun. Then I said, “However, it does really bother me when Michael calls me ‘Kike Baby.’ Can you ask him to stop that?” After which, I just walked away and ended the conversation, leaving the partner with no clue to whether or not I was being serious. This was probably my favorite moment working at the firm.

My second favorite moment came when they gathered all the associates in the conference room and announced that they were bringing in a new associate, who they were really excited about. However, we should know that she had experienced some sexual harassment at her last job, and we should all be extra sensitive about that subject around her. It was nothing too awful, but apparently some of the guys at her last office had been publicly watching pornography on office computers and this had really bothered her. At which point in the meeting, I said loudly, “Damnit – now I’ll have to cancel my Pornography-Welcome-Basket that I ordered for her.”


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Posted by JewMitch on April 18, 2010

Everyone knows that guys like to rate girls based on their appearance and that we spend most of our days doing this (If not, well, you should). There are a lot of different rating systems out there, but my favorite is a modification of the “zero-beer-fuck” system.

A while back, my friend Julie was having a really bad day (she had just gone through a break up) and was out drinking with a male friend of hers. To cheer her up, he looked straight into her eyes, and said, “Julie, you have nothing to worry about. You’re a zero-beer-fuck.”

The amazing part of this story is that he was completely sincere and this was, in his mind, one of the highest compliments that you could pay a woman. “Julie, you are so mildly attractive, that it would take zero amount of alcohol for me to sleep with you. Yes, I would have sex with you sober. You are that mildly attractive.”

The other awesome part of this story is that it’s clear that he lumps all woman that he would sleep with sober into one awesome “zero-beer-fuck” category, and everyone else is probably between 1-20 beers. In this system, there is no difference between the supermodel and the cute girl at the grocery store; they both have the high honor of being “zero beer fucks.” In a way, it’s very empowering to women.

Because my friends and I loved this story so much, but also needed a more precise way of rating girls, we ended up combining it with the traditional 1-10 rating system. For instance, a cute girl might be a 7, but her friend with the slightly weird face is a 2-beer-7. Or a 4-beer-7. And her really ugly friend might be a 15-beer-7. Or a 5-beer-5. Or a 30-beer-fuck. It’s up to you.

Feel free to modify and use in public.

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Worst Things I’ve Ever Said on a First Date

Posted by JewMitch on April 11, 2010

As a follow up to last week’s post, I thought it would be fun to do another list: “Worst Things I’ve Ever Said on a First Date.” Looking back on this, it’s actually kind of amazing that I’ve ever had a relationship.

1.  “For a Jewish girl, you’re really pretty.”

2.  “I look into your eyes, and I feel like I can understand how the Holocaust happened.”

3.  “You’re still a virgin? I guess you must be really into oral then?”

4.  “You’re really lucky that you’re good looking. I think you would have a hard time making friends if you weren’t.”

5.  “How do you feel about fat people? Because I really don’t like them.”  (Note: the girl I said this to wound up coming home with me that night, but then texting me a week later to say that this comment was a DealBreaker.)

6.  “Do you like dead baby jokes?”

7.  [To a religious girl]: “Don’t you feel like the idea of the afterlife is just a convenient, easy answer to the question of what happens after we die? Like someone asked, and then someone else said, ‘We all go to happy place. Problem solved.’”

8.  [To a girl who keeps kosher]: “I can’t stand anyone who keeps kosher.”

9.  [To a Teach for America teacher]: I try not to go to the Bronx. There’s too many ethnic people there.

10.  “Don’t be mean to me; wasn’t killing six million of my people enough?”  [Note: she then responded, “We can make it six million and one if you want.”  I kind of wanted to marry her after that].

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Boyfriend of the Year

Posted by JewMitch on April 4, 2010

People are often surprised when I tell them that I’m a really good boyfriend, and am pretty sure that the only times I’ve been dumped in my life was because I was too nice to the girl I was dating. “But Mitch, you’re a complete asshole?” people say. “Yes, yes… but my favorite movie is still the Princess Bride, and for all my faults I still have an unshakable belief in such a thing as true love and being best friends with your girlfriend and all that Harry Met Sally/You’ve Got Mail crap.

“Alright, Mitch, tell us something really nice that you’ve done for a past girlfriend.” I can do that. In fact, I’ll make a whole list. Starting with the nicest thing that you can possibly do for a girlfriend…

1.  Make them a t-shirt with your face on it in a heart (photo above). As you can see, I also inscribed “My Boyfriend” under the photo, so that it was super clear, and made her wear the shirt to her law school Constitutional Law final exam. To be fair though, I wore a shirt that read “I heart KW” (my girlfriend’s initials) to the same exam. True, I had purchased the t-shirt in Key West, but the thought was there.

2.  Purchase an original Nintendo entertainment system for a girlfriend as an anniversary present. In retrospect, this was probably not the most romantic present ever, but she did love playing Mario Brothers, and I needed something to do at her apartment that didn’t involve talking to her.

3.  Take your vegetarian girlfriend out to BBQ restaurants on a regular basis. I would let her order baked beans, corned bread, whatever she wanted.

4.  Take a girlfriend on a romantic trip to Big Sur, and invite your best friend to come along too, because that sounds like too much alone time with her. This trip actually was incredibly fun, until my buddy left and it was just me and my girlfriend, and then we just fought a lot as we drove up Route 101. I did get to go to the house that the Goonies was filmed in though – and that was awesome. Oh wait, that was another trip – the rest of this trip just sucked.

5.  If your girlfriend is wearing a cat costume on Halloween, ask her to drink milk out of a bowl on the floor at a party, and then let her leave the costume on during sex later. Oops, I already blogged about this:

6.  If the girl you’re dating is not Jewish, and you are, give her a t-shirt that says “Shiksa.” I actually did this on a second date with a girl. She was all about it.

7.  Related to No. 6, if the girl you are dating is not Jewish, invite her to go to Synagogue with you and your grandmother. My grandmother called me one day to tell me a “joke.” The joke went like this, “There was once a boy who never went to synagogue. One day his grandmother asked him if he would attend synagogue for her funeral, and he said of course. The grandmother then said, skip synagogue on my funeral, I’d rather you take me there once while I’m still alive!” Of course, I then had to go to synagogue with her.

8.  After going on to dinner on Valentine’s Day, come back to your apartment with her and immediately put on the second half of Beneath the Planet of the Apes. She just started crying, and it took me a day to figure out what I had done wrong. The worst part is that it was a Netflix movie, so it wasn’t like it was due anytime soon.

9.  If you’re on a boat with all of your girlfriend’s friends, pee off the side of the boat. The funny thing about this list, is that this is the only incident that may have directly contributed to a breakup, and I really don’t think it’s all that bad. I really had to go.

10. Tell your girlfriend (who you were friends with first) that when you first met her, you didn’t think she was very attractive, but then after you became really close, you eventually became more attracted to her. If you ask me, this is just a really sweet thing to say.

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