Just a Jew. Named Mitch. Writing about his feelings.

Bar Conference – Part 2

Posted by JewMitch on July 3, 2009


We all eventually made our way to the hotel bar, where we had something like a $1,000 bar tab waiting for us. One of my Maryland friends and I got tired of trying to remember everyone’s name, so we just asked people where we they were from, and called them by that. “Hey, New Mexico, can you order another round of shots? Hey Georgia, where are you going?” One girl, we just called “Sequins,” because she was wearing a dress with sequins on it.

I remember that Sequins was a runner and telling everyone how important it was to drink lots of water. I responded by saying that I really don’t like water and asked her how much was enough, because I only drank about one small Dixie cup a day. She looked outraged, and asked me what color my urine was. “Dark brown usually,” I said. We also played the “What’s your most embarrassing story ever?” game.

The hotel bar closed at 3 a.m., so we grabbed the rest of the beer from the bus, and went to someone’s hotel room to after party. And then, like thirteen-year-olds, we scrolled through the pay-per-view porn titles, but no one wanted to actually hit the order button. So one of us finally hit the button, and then we promptly blamed it on New Mexico.

“New Mexico!” we shouted. “Why did you order White Housewives / Black Cocks Part III? Now we have to sit and watch the entire thing!” There were about twelve of us in the room at this time and amazingly, all the girls were cool with the movie. It turned out to be this one male Southern/conservative black lawyer who got upset and turned off the film after one minute. We all booed at him, as he tried to explain that he thought the film was disrespectful to women.

We turned the TV back on, but the movie was no longer on. Taking matters into my own hands, I called the front desk.

“Hello,” I said. “I was watching a pay-per-view film, when I dropped the remote and accidentally turned off the TV. Could you turn it back on for me?”

“Certainly,” she said.

“Thanks.” Then for no necessary reason, I added, “the name of the film was White Housewives / Black Cocks Part III. I’m really looking forward to the ending.”

The movie came back on, and despite protests, once again the black attorney turned off the TV. I’m not sure if it was the interracial stuff that bothered him, or that the film promoted the idea that women should be housewives, but either way we were done watching porn for the night so I started talking to New Mexico.

This was when Sequins tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Stop flirting with New Mexico.” [Note: the best thing about this story is that I am not giving New Mexico an alias. I have no idea what her real name is. We really had been calling people by their state names all night, and everyone else had started doing it too. Sequins really said, “Stop flirting with New Mexico”].

I turned to Sequins, who was wearing a wedding ring, and said, “You’re married.”

To which she replied, “Not really.”

I want to be able to say that Sequins was a total MILF, but she was just a semi-cute woman in her mid thirties. Still, this being a conference, I told her we should get out of here, and that I think I have some cigarettes in my room [Note: this is lamest line ever]. We went back to my room and started making out a little, when my roommate (and co-worker from my law firm) walked in.

“Hey guys, what are you doing?” He was trashed and completely slurring his words. “Nothing,” I said. And then I walked Sequins back to her room and went outside, where I found the one handicapped lawyer from the conference, hanging outside the hotel with two prostitutes. It was about 5 a.m., so we all stood outside and watched the beginning of the sunrise. It was a nice.


2 Responses to “Bar Conference – Part 2”

  1. Josh said

    I just busted a gut laughing in the library. Thanks for making everyone look at me weird.

  2. danny said

    Absolutely hilarious, man.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: