Just a Jew. Named Mitch. Writing about his feelings.

Drink the Milk!

Posted by JewMitch on June 24, 2009


Sometimes I wonder why I’ve had nothing but bad relationships these last few years, where I just wind up getting my heart broken. Then I remember that I spent most of college dating a really sweet girl named Hannah, who loved me completely, and I couldn’t care less. So I guess I deserve some payback.

One of the most awful things I did to her was at a Halloween party back in college. My college friends and I used to play a game at parties called “Pee Club.” The way the game works is that in order to be a member of Pee Club, you need to pee in front of all the other members of Pee Club. I know this sounds like something that five-year-olds would play; but we had all just watched Fight Club and it was a really fun see people’s faces at a crowded party after 10-11 people (guys and girls) all come out of the bathroom at the same time. In retrospect, it’s probably karma that I’ve had so many girls wet my bed.

I have no idea how I maintained a girlfriend with this type of behavior, but for some reason Hannah always stuck with me. Even when I made her pee in front of all my friends at the Halloween party. But amazingly, this was not the worst thing that I did to her at that party.

She was wearing a cat costume at the time, [my costume consisted of a tight blue French connection sweater that had accidentally been delivered to my work office one day. I am not sure why I considered this to be a costume, but it was funny at the time] and after Pee Club, my friends and I decided it would be really funny to make Hannah drink milk, like a cat, out of a bowl, on the floor.

Understandably, Hannah did not want to do this. But there’s only so much of an entire roomful of people chanting, “Drink the milk! Drink the milk!” that one person can take. And after a while, she got on the floor, and drank some of the milk. We have photos of this somewhere. We were awful people.

And the really amazing thing is that after this entire night of poor behavior, I still got laid that night, and she listened to me when I asked her to keep the cat costume on. God I miss college. And in case you’re wondering, yes I did pull out and come on her tail.

In fairness, I did feel a lot of real affection towards Hannah, and had moments when I was really nice to her. For instance, I once gave her a card addressed to the “Prettiest Girl in the World,” and even though I was being a little sarcastic at the time, the sarcasm didn’t translate on paper, and all her friends thought that was really nice. I also once gave her an original Nintendo Entertainment System for our anniversary.

Of course, I dumped her towards the end of college, wallowed in regret and self pity for the next six months, and eventually went to law school mostly so I could just get the hell of DC and away from the situation [I really like to move after breakups]. But the really amazing thing is that the next guy she dated, and eventually married, was also named Mitch. For serious.


2 Responses to “Drink the Milk!”

  1. Erin said

    So this is why you donate blood? To negate all the terrible, terrible things you do to other people.

    Plus – what was she suppose to do after you forced her to get that Mitch is great tattoo?

  2. […] 5.  If your girlfriend is wearing a cat costume on Halloween, make her drink milk out of a bowl on the floor at a party, and then make her leave the costume on in bed later. Oops, I already blogged about this: […]

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