Just a Jew. Named Mitch. Writing about his feelings.

One Part Beautiful; Two Parts Crazy

Posted by JewMitch on June 15, 2009

block party

I have one truly great pick up story in my life, and this is it. It was several summers ago and her name was Anne (all names changed). I was at a block party in Baltimore that I had been invited to by a random friend named Vicky who I didn’t really know all that well and she was busy talking to her friends for most of the party, so I had to make my own fun. Fortunately, this was one of the best block parties that I have ever been to.

One of the people throwing the party had a bbq catering business, so he was out grilling all day. We’re talking full sized ribs, bbq chicken, burgers, sides, everything. The people throwing the party got Magic Hat to sponsor it, so there was tons of Magic Hat beer, followed by kegs of Coors light. There was a stage that several live bands performed at, two full sized ice luges, and a full bar of a high end liquor to pour down them. Everything was free. Plus the crowd was completely mixed and great. No joke, at one point the mailwoman delivering the mail stopped by and did a shot off the ice luge. It was that type of scene.

At one point in the party, Vicky turns to me and points out a girl wearing an engagement ring. “She’s not really engaged,” Vicky said. “She is just wearing it for attention.”

“Perfect,” I said. “I’m going to go flirt with her.”

“Go for it,” she said. “She’s cute.”

I’m not really the type of guy who guys up to random girls wearing engagement rings and hits on them, but this seemed like the perfect time to start. I had inside information, I had been drinking, and this girl was really good looking. We’re talking long auburn hair, perfect teeth, a face that sort of resembled Denise Richards, great body. She looked like she could have been the girl that the heroes of an 80s comedy were trying to sleep with. Which is totally my type.

She was selling raffle tickets at the time and the prize was a $100 gift certificate to a hot new named Salt. I pulled out six dollars (tickets were $1 each) and after grilling her about the quality of the restaurant, I told her that the only way I was buying any raffle tickets was if she would promise to go with me to dinner if I won. She laughed and said sure.

As the party went on, everyone got trashed and during a lull in the party, I grabbed Vicky (who had also been one of the organizers) and told her that now would be a great time to call the raffle. She obliged and began to call out the winning raffle numbers in a low voice, with me and only two other people paying attention. It took about ten numbers or so before one of my tickets hit and I won the gift certificate. Then with gift certificate in hand, I found Anne and told her that I needed her phone number because we were going out to dinner. The whole thing seemed like destiny, when it really was just extreme drunkenness and one quick idea.

She gave it to me, we went out to dinner, and within a few months I had fallen in love with her. Of course, I got my heart broken in the end, but the whole thing felt like a sitcom. Some highlights of that relationship included:

–         Finding out that the engagement ring she was wearing had been real; a college friend that she had never dated had publicly proposed to her out of the blue years after college. They never got engaged, but he insisted she keep the ring.

–         Finding out that she had been proposed to six times before (she was 26), and had been engaged three or four times, and that she had a collection of three engagement rings that she wore in rotation.

–         Finding out that she had once been in a Ford commercial and grown up on a dairy farm that her family owned, as the youngest of eight children.

–         Going out to dinner with her one night when she decided it would be fun to dress up like Jewish grandmother (a t-shirt with a seashell on the front, lots of bronzer, about five gold bracelets on each wrist).

–         Going to a concert with her and making her wear a shirt that said, “Shiksa.”

–         Watching her convince a bunch of my friends that she was a Christian Scientist.

–         Having my roommate’s great aunt walk in on us the first time we were hooking up.

–         Dog sitting her beagle for days at a time, who would often get scared and poo in my roommate’s room.

–         Taking her to an Orthodox wedding in Toronto, where she was the only non-Jewish girl. She drank too much and then wet the bed in the hotel.

–         Getting suckered into paying for her beagle’s vet fees.

–         Letting her borrow my car one weekend when I was out of town and finding out that she had drunkenly gotten into an accident with it.

–         Driving my grandmother back from New Jersey with her in the car and then making her go the synagogue with my grandmother and me that night. We needed synagogue clothes, so I wore my dad’s suit and she wore my aunt’s old purple pantsuit. I wound up introducing her to my childhood rabbi.

–         Having her disappear for several days at a time when she wouldn’t pick up the phone or answer e-mail. Some of those times, I was stuck watching her dog.

–         Finding out that she had told her roommate that we were just “friends” and had never hooked up.

–         Finding out that she was a compulsive liar, and I couldn’t really believe half the things she told me.

Like I said, of course I got my heart broken. A nice Jewish boy like me didn’t stand a chance.


5 Responses to “One Part Beautiful; Two Parts Crazy”

  1. Erin said

    1. Thanks for using Mifflin, even though you’ve never been there; 2. I feel bad that you didn’t mention all the means she made for you; 3. I didn’t realize she was one of the bed wetters (How do you find these people?); and 4. She was bat shit crazy … and I can’t believe that you still sound like a little girl when talking about her. She was never that pretty, that funny, or that nice … but she was always that crazy.

    PS – I am a nice person.

  2. Erin said

    Amended Comment:

    “gee Mitch, you’re swell – too bad you have awful luck with women…”

  3. Leah said

    What a train wreck that was to watch.

  4. brian said

    You forgot the one about the beagle pooping not near, not next to, but IN the moving boxes.

  5. […] Comments (RSS) « One Part Beautiful; Two Parts Crazy […]

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