Just a Jew. Named Mitch. Writing about his feelings.

Flesh Lights

Posted by JewMitch on May 28, 2009


Have you guys seen this? It’s a sex toy for guys, that is made to look like a flashlight. Then you can take the flashlight head off – and viola…. There’s this fake female part for you to have sex with. But what’s really crazy about this product is that it comes in four different styles. There’s mouth, butt, lady (vagina), and stealth. What the hell is stealth? In reality, stealth looks like a coin slot. But who is the guy who is like – oh I’m so tired of fake mouths, anuses and vaginas. What I’m really craving is the ability to fuck some new orifice that doesn’t exist in reality. Something called stealth. It’s like – sorry god, I know you gave me 3 great holes, but that just isn’t good enough for me. I’m going to have to do you one better and fuck stealth. It sounds like a member of the x-men.

Also, I want to classify this as the absolute worst possible product for your parents to find. Just imagine if your mother found this. During a blackout. Because when else would your mother be grabbing flashlights from your room.

So it’s pitch black. And your mom finds your fleshlight.

“Honey, why doesn’t your flashlight work. It’s so dark.”

“Hold on, I’m unscrewing it to change the batteries. It’s so light, it must not have any batteries in.”

“What this? This doesn’t feel like a flashlight.”

“What’s this liquid coming out of the flashlight? Were the batteries leaking? Why does it feel like that inside the flashlight?”

This would then lead to the most horribly awkward encounter you can possibly imagine with your mother. As you can see, you cannot own this product unless you live by yourself and never have visitors ever. Or you have a backup generator in case of blackouts.


One Response to “Flesh Lights”

  1. ChristianFrank said

    Hi Mitch, I’m a long time reader, first time caller. I wonder if you could possibly just weigh down the fleshlight with possible some sort of bottom heavy weight. This way your mom wouldnt be concerned at the weight of the fleshlight and thus wouldnt go for batteries.

    I once got into a douche squirting contest with some neighborhood boys, we all went to our moms medicine cabinets, and just douched away. It was really fun. I look forward to your next article on Star Trek, “does captain pickard’s penis have pointy ears?”

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